14 posts tagged “my batshit crazy ideas”

I was doing a search for large paper shopping bags in bulk for my (personal) business, and hilariously the video of Fiona Apple's "Paper Bag"came up in the results. I had never seen the video. Yet the words I know in my sleep. I don't have speakers on my work computer so I added the rough, crooned audio to Fiona's moving lips. So then this turned into a "session". I did the same improvised dubbing  with "First Taste" and was about to do it with "Limp" but then I soon discovered I was getting the remembered lyrics to "Fast as You Can" confused and soon grew lost not knowing which song was what and how either properly went. I couldn't reorient myself by reading her lips because the video was of that sort of languid poses, and forelorn looks in mirrors, and stolen looks to someone possibly imagined off camera. So there were no lips to read just assumed sighs between open, pouty lips and hair... a lot of hair. Not talking about hair in volume but in various shapes and forms and utility. Draped over the face haphazardly. Tight bun high on the head with gentle little tendrils escaping to flirt with the face. Shaken and thrown in wild abandon due to whatever grand emotion that particular stanza and the director du vid dictated. I could be imagining all of this hair porn and remembering the video wrong because frankly I turned it off 15 seconds into it once I got my lyrics lost and so my interests in my personal karaoke moment ended. I closed the window as she poined her face close to the bathroom mirror, putting on red, red lipstick on her lips resulting in an open, pouty mouth. So I am positive I got the pouty and the mirror parts right but none of this is by any means related to my original intention which was to google for where I could buy paper bags. Which goes to show just how quickly one can be wildly distracted by the Internet. *snap!* Just like that.

And, again, completely unrelated to everything, I just want to add that it's damned near impossible to find a paper shopping bag large enough to easily fit the cupcake boxes in (these boxes fit 12 cupcakes just so you know). I even called the major paper suppliers and nothing. So this is frustrating. And the only bags I've seen that are perfect for my needs are the bags from Crumbs. But  that's ridiculous. Can you imagine me using a bag with CRUMBS all colorful and loud all over it to drop off my cupcakes? Okay, I have to admit the mental image is making me chuckle... BUT STILL.

.end scene.

 

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

And I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said, "It's all in your head"
And I said, "So's everything'" but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I wanted him so bad, oh it killed
But I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

 

(Lately there have been plenty to add as to the IM Hall of Fame. Expect much hilarity in the near future.)

Setting: I am discussing my personal achievement of closure regarding a certain situation. It doesn't matter which because I clearly shift gears very quickly. (Also please notice the two conversations happening simultaneously which happens frequently in IM.)

me: but i'm sort of over the whole "things we lost in the fire" phase of trying to reclaim things lost and all that

3:04 PM Lively: lol, you're not alone on this at all

Okay, figured out a gameplan:

Vox = Favorite quotes and personal pics. IM's about nothing.

Tumblr = Links and videos I like. IM's about current events.

____ = Random thoughts and commentary, though I haven't been thinking of much lately.

Sounds good? Good?

Yeah... no one cares, right? Right. yays...

(Double points for an IM within an IM)

Friend: Joanna: do you think we should drill off-shore, even though it could fuck things up environmentally, just to bring down the cost of the dollar, even when the problem really isn't that gas costs too much, but that we are a culture that over-consumes

me: if we did drill, it would take years if not a decade to see the proceeds of that. it's not like we drill tomorrow and then get cheaper oil by Monday
 me: yeah it's a dumb "solution"

  G: but honestly,,, u dont think the opec wont shit their pants if we start our own drilling.. i guarantee u the prices drop instantaneously

Friend: lmao
so you're saying risk the environment for a bluff?
no.

G: politics baby.

Friend: that's not politics

G: in the purest form

Friend: it really isn't
it's insane
the idea is insane.
I will tell you why

G: when u add leverage to public policy, u dont get more political than that

Friend: Opec knows -- because they've been in teh business forever -- that drilling now isn't going to do shit
we'd still need oil now
they are not going to drop prices today because we're drilling for oil that we might be able to use years from now
"oh snap, in 10 years, they might have their own shit! let's drop the prices." no
and furthermore, that is not what folks in washington are betting on, either

G: see i'd think they would break up due to the overwhelming threat... but thats a topic for another day

me: i'm an idiot 

Friend: no you're not.

me: hilarious how i was having tax anxiety dreams last night, lol.
and i tried to do some yoga last night and it didn't help, lol 

Friend: wow @ tax anxiety dreams

me: lolol
reminds me of when pee wee didn't know where his bike was so he was having all those effed up dreams.

ahah

now i have that weird tim burton music in my head

ba ba ba ba badadadada!

Friend: lol
the basement at the alamo

 
me: lolol
the giant dinosaur coming to munch on the bike. then the ER doctor who lowers his mask and is a scary clown

replace "the bike" with "my ass"

now welcome to my tim burton directed psyche

 

Friend: large marge is the IRS

me: Seems a bit creepy but nice enough...
you're driving along...

she's focused, driving...

tells you a story...

in a monotone voice tells you a horror story...

REMINDS YOU OF JAIL AND BANKRUPTCY AND THEN TURNS TO YOU AND HER FACE GETS ALL INSANEY LIKE!!!

YOU SCREAM!!!

then she turns and continues driving like nothing happens...

reminds you to file... and on time... bwahaha and tell the guys inside the truck stop that she said hello They pale at the mention.

then you almost get your face caved in by the boyfriend after you talk about about his waitress girlfriend's big "but".

 

yup. pretty much is my dream life in a nutshell

 

True friends help get you laid. FACT. No, seriously.

Sometimes this duty materializes as you being the wingman or buffer at a bar/restaurant or a double date, or if it's just to be the slightly non-judgemental, unbiased ear for them as they navigate through the neon minefields of m/f relations.

Leah has many times been the softening and logical voice in my ear while I spontaneously rant and rave through the nuances of various levels of courtship. In fact, the joke is that she's gotten me laid on a consistent manner by her tempering my knee jerk reactions in order to illicit some sort of sane dynamic. (Translation: She helps me not fuck shit up like I would usually do.) For Duke, I'm the one who serves as his Cyrano since he's like a 14-year old boy who is unable to be smooth or subtle when it comes to the ladies. "Well, can't I just break up with her by text?" No, dammit. Don't be a dumbass. I've also helped compose a couple of emails to his ladyfriends. I wouldn't exactly say I try to get him laid, what I'm doing is trying to help him not get on the bad sides of the females he's around. I soften him enough for him not to get his ass slapped once in a while. I'm just keeping it real, Duke. Get over it cause you know its true.

Anyhoos. More of today's IM foolishness.

As you can see, this is my main form of communication with my friends. I'm in front of a computer 9 hours a day. It happens. What also happens is the lulz. The never ending, genius, comedy gold lulz. Witness some more:

Today's episode

"Girlfriend" was listening to the radio and fell in "like" with the voice and the words of the subject being interviewed. She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. I was sick so I got the gist of her just having a weird crush thing and such. We've all gone through it. Last year I was throughly convinced that I could totally convince Anderson Cooper to love my ass even though I'm female and have no penis. I just loved-ded him that much. And I would have been a Vanderbilt. Can you imagine? This little girl from Harlem becoming a Vanderbilt. Shove it, Ms. Greenwald! Anyways, so today she has found his myspace and decides to drop him a note hoping to find an in. She asks for my smooth, seductive help since my velvet words of promise and honey have known to finagle even the hardest of hearts. Not really. Whatever. So here we go...

She: yo, Jaime told me to check myspace for my new boyfriend
  and I FOUNDED HIM
  so I'm going to write him a letter and I need you to Beta. (ed. Translation:   editor/speechwriter)

 me: lol ok

 She: is lame

 me: let's see if i have the same verbal skills to get YOU laid

She: wow. I can't think of anything that's not lame. lol

me: lolol
  cmon, not true

 She: I'm serious. I've started it 3 times
  how do you say "I was stalking you online because you sound hot."
  without sounding lame and crazy

 me: talk about hearing the interview and how he opened your eyes to blah blah blah
  talk about what he brought up and your interest in it.
  maybe there was something in the discussion that you can personally relate to

 She: I'm not even there yet. I'm talking about the opener

me: "and i remember you said you liked socks. I love socks too. In fact i have the most impressive collection of socks"

 She: he's from brooklyn

 me: in regards to the opener, just say that after listening to the interview, you wanted to learn more about his organization or whatever. you googled his name and found his myspace
  profit.
 i WILL get you laid, gurl. oh yes i will

 She: organization? lol
  he has no organization. He's an Iraq War Vet.

 me: ah

 She: did I show you the link to the interview?
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16272276

 me: "I wanted to learn more about this 'war' you were talking about. So where is it again? Is it rough over there? Do you have any plans of returning just to catch up with old biddues?"

She: you are DUMB. lol

me: "I googled this place... is it I-R-A-K? Please assist."

Joanna's new status message - "I heard your interview today on NPR and I wanted to learn more about this 'war' you speak of. Where is it again? Is it considered 'rough' for tourists to travel there? I tried to google it, is it spelled I-R-A-K? Please advise."

She: YOU ARE DUMB. lol

me: "and i swear you and i would be excellent lovers! I have letters of references from several different countries to verify my abilities!"

She: why am I friends with you?

me: because all superheroes needs one retarded sidekick who will wear the bright red, yellow and green tights. Duh.

Since last Friday, I was feeling a bit under the weather. It progressed to a really bad, phlegmy cough. I wasn't lethargic or anything, just really gross to be around for a moment. I even took yesterday off from work which never happens because I wasn't doing to well. Anyway...

So now I get a news alert... HOLY FUCK!

Leah's new status message - Idea: Everyone on my contact list should give me $25 so I can buy a flat-screen

me: you should fake an illness or something

say your cat got molested by neighbor kids and you need donations to fix him

profit

Leah: lmao

I should set up a special pay pal

me: make sure the pay pal says "mr whiskers new lung fund" instead of "giant HD TV from the suckers fund"

you would be blowing up your own spot

Leah's new status message - Correction: My cat was molested by neighborhood kids and I need to get him fixed. Paypal to "Mr Whiskers Needs a New Lung Fund."  NOt    

me: Footnote A: PROFIT

Leah's new status message - Correction: My cat was molested by neighborhood kids and I need to get him fixed. Paypal to "Mr Whiskers Needs a New Lung Fund."  Not "New HDTV from the Suckers Fund" (Joanna)

me: aw... why me on blast?

Leah: lmao

I was just tryna give you credit

Joanna's new status message - WARNING: Leah does not have a dying cat that needs your donations to save its little furry life. She's trying to get a boob job on your charity dollars!!!

Today's link:

The Greatest Story Ever Told!
How Samuel Mother Fucking Jackson Mother Fucking Saved Mother Fucking Christmas Mother Fucker—A Children’s Story. By Kevin Brianchesko

Leah: you are like...the font of all shit crazy on the internets.

Carinda and the girls this morning were discussing the Janet Jackson apology by a dumbassed radio crew. Let Carinda explain:

Check this out:

Reporter apologizes to Tyler/Janet. He said he has received in excess of 19,000 emails/letters and his GM.
more than that...Here ya go...

http://www.cbs13.com/video/?id=25898@kovr.dayport.com

Well, that totally reminded me of one of my (many) "wardrobe malfunctions". Seeing that I never have any problems with sharing, here was my response:

You know, one time I was upstairs at Metronome (what is now strata) like the whole night and it took one girl, ONE GIRL (and of course there were mad guys around) to walk all the way across the room and hollar in my ear that my boob was out my outfit the entire time.

I , of course, gasped and stuck the boobie back in and then looked around in horror and there was one dude who was smiling at me, nodded and did one of those "Cheers" motion with his drink.

Boobies. They are a gift and a curse and men can't NOT stop being distracted by them.

Aside: I've already discussed with my friends that if I find myself in like a terrorist situation in which a guy is about to blow himself up, I'll lift my shirt and flash him thus rendering him momentarily paralyzed (a common reflex by men when confronted with an exposed boob) to allow the others to quickly tackle him to the floor...

BOOBIES FOR PEACE!

But then I started thinking, that post I was referring to was actually quite hilarious because it was stemming from another hilarious boobie post. Actually about some sort of organization that wanted to have the ladies go topless for political reasons or something, of course.

So here it is, back from August 13, 2005:

Ah, nothing caps off a crazy work week like Teh Boobehlators. Bosums. Dirty Pillows. The Buddies - Numbers One and Two.

The Breastsesesess!!

Yes, it is now proven that boobs make the world go round. They inspire. Make men and women imagine. Others cower in eye-burning shame. And they cause holy heckfire in a community - especially when women threaten to whip out theirs in public. Oh, and it's going to be on this day around this time right around Tavern on the Green. BE THERE!

When it comes to-

Hey! Here. My eyes are Right. Here! Show some home trainin! *cough*

Anyway... My little heart pumped the primordial chemical soup of patch-fed nicotine and various forms of caffeine I call blood as that post was not only in ny'ers, but crossposted. But it was this one that blew up to Siliconic proportions. It was boob-tiful!

There were those who were confounded with the notion of fighting for the rights of topless women for many varied reasons - Good times.some of whom are on my flist. There were those who later posted their own confusion of why the topic was such a big deal when there are other more pressing issues - some of whom are also on my flist.
As you may notice, I have no strong feelings either way and I didn't bring it up to start a possible political and philosophical flamewar here on my journal about it. What has me all in a tit-ter is just watching it all unfurl, seeing the topic over several LJ's and communities on my friends page and being privvy to a couple of locked journals who ranted fabulous over it. Really good times! More than a handful!

All I know is, it's completely obvious that boobs just confound and confuse everyone so I'll try to now use my bitties in a more strategic way. Granted, it's more like looking at the upper body of a 13-year old boy, but I figure, next time I do happen to be asked to open my bag by a cop before I get in the train system, or if I'm in a staff meeting and I get caught sleeping or not paying attention and now being faced with the glaring eyes of my boss, or -Hell- if I find myself in a crowded subway car seconds before a terrorist screams in triumph before pulling the cord or pressing the button -whatever- to make the bomby vest go all splody... I'm whipping these fun bags out.
I'm telling ya, time will stop, women will scream and cover their eyes. Dudes will spill coffee being stopped in mid sip. Exclaimations of What The Fuck! will be heard. People will scream at me for my indecency. There will be sucking of the teeth and of course one guy chortling out an Right On! Basically shit will be on startled, uncomfortable pause - affording me the precious seconds to make my move, stop drop and roll, make the terrorist guy completely forget what he was there to do. (Hell, *I* forgot I haven't had a cigarette in two days! Genius!)

Boobs! The gift that keeps on giving. They amaze and astound and sure to get some sort of rise out of anyone in any context.

And I love this country for it! MWAH!