8 posts tagged “true story”

We Girls

I ordered five shots of various liquors of respective preferences. The bartender charged me $20. I gave him $25 because that was ridiculous... and I had found my new favorite place.

I passed the shots out to my companions. I gave out the terms as we strained to hear the opening monologue before the last 2008 Presidential Debate. The bar refused to lower the volume of the music in the main room; we were all cramped and gathered by the one TV elevated above us on closed captioning.

"Ok, we can't take a shot over something like 'Maverick' or 'My friends'. We have to swig after something big and controversial... after Ayers!"

Within ten minutes that shot was taken.

After twenty minutes or so, I was getting incredibly soused. I turned when I got a sudden nudge from behind me to find Leslie passing out more liquor. But this time not in shot glasses but in lowball glasses - and filled a third of the way. Horrifying. We asked her intention. What were the terms of the shots this round? She had no idea, left it to us. We wondered outloud and repeatedly to each other while our eyes were trained to the debate. We had no clue, we held the glasses with no real purpose.

Suddenly while McCain was speaking, the captioning read "Cock Mania". The entire room huh'ed in unison. Cock mania? McCain kept speaking, we could barely hear him. The words Cock Mania danced up the screen to under his chin then disappeared. We all shouted in confused glee COCK MANIA.

And then took the shot.

Footnote: We later found out the word he did utter was "cockamanie". Our word was better.

No, serious. True story.
(NSFW for language)

Saf's bday 2007

I'm part of a daily emailing circle of girls. We're stupid, nuff said. I'm a little cranky and feeling a little fatty phat phat (not in a good way) in my little jeans. I ask advice on what over-the-counter remedies, including medicines, to help comfort me during this time of bloat for me.

The girls come through, as always...

Ren: Go home. Make some tea with a shot of 151. Run a hot bath (as hot as you can stand it).
Sit in the tub and drink the tea for a good 20 mins.Be sure to finish the tea while in the tub (and the water's still hot).
Dress, get in your bed with a hot water bottle and Motrin or Alleve...

Jay: ...and make sure you have some eye liner and mascara on so it runs on your cheek as you sit in your hot bath tub with your spiked tea with the phone in one hand yelling at every M-Fer who did you wrong.....and right after you will pass out from mixing gasoline in the form of your 151 spiked tea with your over the counter motrin....and that will be the last cramp of your life

Me: I've never loved anyone else more than you for writing this. Your response is so good it even cures pink eye.

And I don't never lie.

Poor Ziggy...

Basically, when I get up the fiiiiive looooong fliiights to my apartment, I'm in, dammit. That's the standard rule of all parentals with able-bodied minions children. When we're "up the stairs", *they* have to do the running around. Store run. Laundry. Get the pizza from the Pizza Guy who won't even go up the stairs even for money. Good life, no? I mean for us...

After yet another board meeting for the co-op, the VP, Tonya, calls immediately highly apologetic that she forgot to give me the personal document at the meeting she wanted me to scan. Barely audibly, i could hear her sigh. I could barely hear her because I was definitely sighing. I was finally up the stairs after one of those infernal meetings after dodging raindrops in the cold. And so it goes with parentals: as I was about to offer to have Ziggy run around the corner to her apartment to get it, she cuts me off and offers up her 17-year old daughter...

"Can Ziggy meet her downstairs and get it from her?" Um... Okay.

I hollar Ziggy's name, much to his well-practised shagrin, and tell him to put on something and run downstairs. He sighs deeply. Go to the store. Pick me up this. He's used to this all. Minon, my minion.

After a couple of minutes, i hear the door open and he's empty-handed. I look at him in question and about to fuss at him.

"What's wrong? Why didn't you get the thing?"

"It's raining downstairs," he starts, while rubbing the water from his head. I figure he didn't want to get wet or something.

"Well, wait inside at the door until she comes! She should be down there right now."

"I didn't know where she's coming from. It's raining and I should run over to her apartment and get it. I don't want her out there in the rain..."

Friends, I stopped. Mouth agape. I looked at my boy in shock. My face falls into a semi-proud pout.

I have a Fourteen Year Old Boy... and he just did a "gentleman" move.

He took my phone from me and then ran down the stairs while calling up the girl's mother to try to change the arrangements. I later hugged him after the scanning thing happened and aww'ed while singing a couple of bars of Sunrise, Sunset.

OMG...

This has been a Very Special Episode of the "I Have a Fourteen Year Old Boy" Monologues. Where The J Dot R has to go up on her tippy toes to give her baby boy a proper bear hug. Stay tuned for the next installment where he'll probably throw her off by doing something crazy assed like spending the grocery money on comicbooks... again. Until then, remember: Kids may be a huge expenditure, but they're also tax deductions. Profit!

Welcome to another installment of the "I Have a Fourteen Year Old Boy" Monologues where That-Heffa-Jo, aka The Notorious M.O.M.s of the B.O.Y., stumbles through the insane world of the next generation of future LJ'er she has evidently wrought upon this world...

Zigs and I went to meet Leah at the Prospect Park Bandshell to watch the SGI-USA Youth Peace Festival which was extremely adorable. Between speeches and skits discussing Buddhism and World Peace, there were musical acts and dance performances including a Malaysian Kite Dance and Hip Hop. Some of the skit players were from Japan and had very pronounced accents since it was obvious they were just learning English. The dance performers were from the New York group of budding Buddhists of all nationalities. A very diverse group indeed, and Ziggy was vibing off of the message of young people able to enact political change and striving for world peace.

Meanwhile, one particular performance involved about two dozen girls in white camo gear dancing to Latin music.

Once the hips and boobies started gyrating, I hear a barely hushed WHOA beside me.

"Yeah..." I started, rather in shock myself. "This is getting a little sexy." The girls' ages ranged from 12 to maybe 19 or so.

"Yeah," he continued. "It's all sexy for 'Peace'." I chuckled at him. "Cause 'Peace' is sexy."

"Yes, Ziggy," I rolled my eyes at him. "'Sexy Peace'. Something we can all strive for..." We let this joke go on for a while, to Leah's pleasure later after the rally.

Cut to yesterday as my eyes hit Ziggy's latest IM status message: "help fight for sexy peace, sexy broken english peace. wouldnt that pwn?"

OMG...

This has been "I Have A Fourteen Year Old Boy" Monologues. Remember: Drink Responsibly and ALWAYS Use Condoms. Or else you will birth someone whose activism platform is "Fight for Sexy Peace".

Happy Birthday Padawan

Welcome to the "I Have a Fourteen Year Old Boy" Monologues where we navigate, along with The Notorious J-Dot, the bewildering and frightful adventures of a mother suddenly realizing she has an almost grown boy living amongst her.

Ziggy's IM status message: "the porn... it glows!"

This has been the latest episode of The "I Have a Fourteen Year Old Boy" Monologues. Stay tuned for the next installment. In the meantime... Condoms. Use them.

Do you have a green thumb?

So Leah was sitting in my apartment. As I was tooling around in the kitchen to get her something to drink, I heard her gasp in shock.

"Joanna, please TELL me you didn't kill bamboo..."

Yup, this one is dead too.

I whipped my head around to look at what she was looking at. There it was. Yellow, bent over and pathetic. I didn't even remember to throw it away,

I chuckled sheepishly. "Yup, yup I did."

"How- HOW did you kill BAMBOO?!"

END SCENE

*bows*