7 posts tagged “upcoming zombie war”

As Mr. Darcy walked off, Elizabeth felt her blood turn cold. She had never in her life been so insulted. The warrior code demanded she avenge her honour. Elizabeth reached down to her ankle, taking care not to draw attention. There, her hand met the dagger concealed beneath her dress. She meant to follow this proud Mr. Darcy outside and open his throat.

But no sooner had she grabbed the handle of her weapon than a chorus of screams filled the assembly hall, immediately joined by the shattering of window panes. Unmentionables poured in, their movements clumsy yet swift; their burial clothing in a range of untidiness. Some wore gowns so tattered as to render them scandalous; other wore suits so filthy that one would assume they were assembled from little more than dirt and dried blood. Their flesh was in varying degrees of putrefaction; the freshly stricken were slightly green and pliant, whereas the longer dead were grey and brittle – their eyes and tongues long since turned to dust, and their lips pulled back into everlasting skeletal smiles.

Our babies. They learn so young.

A question they forgot to ask last night: "Senator Obama, you were once seen on an elevator with a Jew. Why do you not love Jesus, Senator?"

But first, an aside...

10:10 AM Leah: So, I think I want to throw a cocktail party at my house on the 13th or the 20th. I think the 20th would be best

 me: I agree on the 20th

10:11 AM the 13th is carinda's bday and we still don't know what she's doing

  this is going on the calendar now

  excellent

 Leah: I think I might do a "save the date" thing

 me: yes you certainly should

10:12 AM Leah: and [redacted] leaves on the 22nd, so it all works out.

 me: you know, ever since you and denise made me start keeping a calendar, it's been really handy to have one

 Leah: yay apartment/bon voyage [redacted]!

  I am a total mess without my calendar

 me: i mean holy shit the way things just fit together

  it's a god send really

10:13 AM Leah: I used to be a forgetting/double-booking heifer before I started being religious about it

 me: i make no decisions without looking at the calendar

10:14 AM and it's all in gmail so i can't make a date really without being in front of a computer

  that's how i got caught out there with connie's cocktail party and the [second redacted] date

  cause she had mentioned it and he actually emailed me

  so he was on the calendar and she wasn't

  she threw off the protocols, yo

10:15 AM Leah: lol

  that's why I heart my PDA

 me: i would do a pda if it synched with my gmail calendar

  i would do an iphone if i understood the calendar function on the mac

 Leah: you know what I do?

10:16 AM me: not that old school writing thing

  that's so 20th century

 Leah: I don't use the gmail calendar, but I put it in my work calendar and email it to myself at home (which goes to the PDA) or vice versa

  so I invite my home email

  or work email depending on where I am

 me: you just confused me

 Leah: lol, okay

 me: too many steps

  lol

 Leah: you know how you can invite folks to an event?

 me: oh yeah, i've done that once or twice

 Leah: like, if I'm having a party, I send you an invitation

10:17 AM Before I would only put it in my personal calendar/PDA and forget about it when I didn't see it on my work calendar

10:18 AM so I started making sure I invited the other calendar so it was in both places.

 me: this is why you're organizing the pre-zombie exodus from NYC

10:20 AM Leah: lol I'm so anal it's sad

So what have we learned here? That ever since I've been getting organized, I've been fitting in appointments into my calendar all nice and snug-like like Tetris.

Also we learn that it still continues... that no matter the conversation, I will always find a way to direct it to Zombies. In fact, just this morning on the train, there was a very hip, stylish young lady standing and reading the Zombie Survival Handbook. I wanted to gain her attention and give her a secret nod or subversive wink. Like a secret society of those who knows something the masses don't, we're out there. Those who are remain vigilant in their awareness of the danger, and who are silently preparing for the day when- Oh forget it. I'll survive the Battle of Yonkers, y'all won't. Think of me like the Sarah Conner of a Post-Z world. Ha-ha Joanna's all crazy and then a grey-skinned Zack is trying to munch on your wig piece and all the sudden it's all SAVE ME, JOANNA! SAVE ME! Feh.

But I digress.

So back to my calendar, I've been keeping myself really busy lately. At first it was intentional - meaning the summer was underway and far too much in the City to stay inside. But as it goes, you meet people, reconnect with people, and inexplicably everyone has birthdays and such in the Fall so that they're piling up on you. Oi! Just this Saturday alone there's my 50-year old Niece, a new friend and a good friend all celebrating... not to mention the impending festivities the night before.

This is all good because I will never be short of stories (although lately I haven't been sharing, have I? Hmm, must reverse this.) but it hits on the wallet and lately I haven't been keeping up physically like I used to. Why? Oh, a number of things. I've been cutting down to almost cold turkey on the cigarette usage. Granted,  have my enablers... and the physical effects of the chemical withdrawals is quite amazing. My friend Andrew says that weaning yourself off of nicotine is far more difficult than drugs like heroin and such. Nicotine is a far more addictive substance. I believe him cause apart from the massive waves of fatigue then the need for munchies, my mood swings have been spectacular. Yes, I sound like quite the winner, eh? And then on top of this, I've been changing my eating habits to go along with Project Pink Lungs which includes a lot of yogurt, vegetables and such. Needless to say, I believe my body has been rejecting all of this healthy stuff, going into shock and such from all of this...

Dammit, I'm digressing again!

What's funny is that with all the "out" i've been doing, the best times I've had is when I'm at home lately. In fact, Ziggy mentioned with a smile after closing the door to another guest, "It's been a good week!" My mom has been visiting the house more often since she misses us and because of our respective schedules (including Ziggy's) we haven't been able to be downtown like we used to. And then I've been babysitting my 3-yr-old goddaughter, Kyla, more often lately which is always good. It's good to be around babies and kids because I like kids more than I do grownups. Kids like to have fun and have little to no shame in that. Adults tend to try to fight those tendencies. Also, I like looking at the world through a baby's eyes. They have the oddest imaginations and I love playing off of them. They also like dancing on the sidewalk while waiting for the light to turn. That's one of my favorite things to do. Adults look at you funny if you do that. I get funny looks a lot.

Anyways, kids are awesome... especially since I can enjoy them and then send them the heck home. I refuse to let my ovaries burn, and they probably will never burn again. See the thing is, people tend to talk frequently about wanting to have children badly. That itch only happens when I'm around a newborn or something because newborns are hardwired to trap people into loving them. No, seriously. I mean, in general, babies are extremely boring. They lie there, they spit up, crap and basically don't do much but writhe and scream for things. But people love them! Why? Because they have that smell and on the cuteness level, they're at the top of the pyramid above kittens and baby pandas. We're lulled into a sense of OMGZ ZO KWOOT that next thing you know you have your nose all in their neck sucking up that smell like it's the last bit of oxygen on Earth. Resist this, people. They do these little mind-control things just to make sure that there will be more of them in the future. I've been watching a toddler/pre-schooler. Soon you'll see that these little virtual cabbage patch kids will soon gain the ability to speak and then it's all out the window from there.

Oh! And Babies are like Tribbles! Tribbles! Just talking with Leah yesterday, it seems that there are tons of people around her who have just discovered they're...

Leah: Joanna

  JOANNA

 me: uh oh

 Leah: my other best friend from college is pregnant.

  this heifer

 me: wow

 Leah: sent me an email that said "how are you"

  and at the end, there was an attachment of an ultra sound photo

3:59 PM mind you, I've been feeling nauseated all day

 me: so should i buy the gallon of ice cream and show up at your house or something?

 Leah: EMPATHY

  what the hell?!

 me: cause evidently all of your friends, including the universe, hates you

 Leah: exactly

  what the eff?!

 me: so i lied...

  i'm PRETTY late

 Leah: I was telling Katherine that I was feeling sick and she asked if I was pregant and WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUTALKINGABOUT

4:00 PM me: lol

  joking joking

  lololol

  are you at least smiling a little bit?

  aw

  i'm sorry!

  i was just playing!

 Leah: i am going to KEEL YOU UNTIL YOU DIE

 me: lolol

I think I'm like the one holdout. The last person on the block with rotary dial. The dude who just now discovered cable. A couple of years ago I was wondering WTF?! with everyone getting all married and such. Now it's the babies thing. In a couple of years it will be who is getting divorced and such. Trust me. Everyone's in such a rush to do things by a certain time. I find many people are just settling. Looking at their clock, figuring it's time to settle down and then finding someone who is 1) the least objectionable and 2) who's down, and then they get married. Oi. I can't live my life like that. I need the passion and the ache. The partner in crime, conspiratorial feeling. Basically like a best friend with a penis kind of thing. Anything less just isn't worth it. But that's me. I'm in no rush. Granted, having a son at 18 kind of stunts certain areas of growth and accelerates the rest, but I like the person I've grown into. Yes, yes... neurotic, flighty, stubborn, impetuous, ridiculous being that I am. I'm pretty cool with her. And my waffle skills have improved greatly.

Did it again!

So I think looking forward I'm just going to limit my outside activities to dates with close friends like drink get togethers and brunches and then just the various birthdays that will be coming. After I follow through on a couple prior commitments with the various gentlemen who have been vying for my attention, I'm just going to keep it simple of quiet. With the guys, since recently I've been on the other end of such a thing, I'm just going to sit down with them in person and let them know that I'm not interested in them romantically and not really in any headspace for a relationship. No confusions; no stringing of anyone along. No false hope. That's the right and honest thing to do and those who know me knows I respect an honest person above anything. I like my little life and I don't want to feel any pressure to fold anyone into it right now.

I've been planning on having a house party soon. Just nailing down a date. I guess it's going to be Halloween again. Guess that will be my tradition. I think I'll do it the weekend after with costume optional or something. Still working that out.

So this long assed, rambling post just to say that Things have been busy lately and I'm trying to slow it down some, but only by a little bit. I look forward to tooling about the house more, redecorating, adding more plants, teaching myself more recipes. I'm going to go to the gym more, watch more movies. I have movies from netflix i haven't returned in months. I'm such a dumb ass.

I've been keeping myself busy to keep myself feeling together. I've been distracted a lot lately and I'm getting over it. Moving on, so to speak. Going to get my groove back in Costa Rica soon. It's been a good year. A lot of traveling. A lot of good things have happened. I can't complain, really. It seems I've cultivated quite a happy little life here. Surrounded by some really good people. And I can't wait to block off more time with them, piece by piece, moment by moment. :)

(wow, longest disjointed ramble ever. dag)

* Reason #4563 Why New York is the best City in the World: Our Criminals are actual Ninjas.

* 9/11 is almost here: Time to get the decorations up, mail those Hallmark cards and clean for the celebrations!

* Thank you, Edwina. I'm going to be in Brooklyn this weekend around the darkies and I needed to brush up: The Ebonics Handbook

The booklet, which was given to about 20 cops, is subtitled "Wucha dun did now?," and purports to help the reader "learn to speak ebonics as if you just came out of the hood...because you could find you self with a problem one day and ebonics could save your life."

And knowing is half the battle.

sonovaBITCH!

* I thought i was rather hyper-prepared for the upcoming Zombie War, especially since following so closely my Zombie Survival Guide, but (motherFUCKER!)...: Gawker warns us of Zombie Rapists due to overtake the city after the impending Hurricaine! Dammit, I need to stock up on duct tape! (Though admittedly, it gives the zombie-destructing instructions "Shoot it in the head" a turn, eh?)

(More links may soon follow as I internet surf my life away...)

Start recording this in the back of your "Zombie Survival Guide". You know, pages in the back left specifically for notes on such suspicious occurances:

• So was the woman already DEAD when they had to take her down?
• Was it a head shot? WAS IT A HEAD SHOT?
• Was the body examined for any bitemarks and was her skin a slight grey color?
• Did they scour the area for any other bodies/victims?

I'm not waiting for any answers. The Zombies, people. Let's kick it into high gear. Let's be the first before the chaos of the great panic begins. Remember Yonkers.

GO TEAM!

(Anyone who knows me here knows I'm dead assed serious. Whut?)

Randomly, and without prodding, I brought up in a perfectly normal conversation The Zombies. Actually, no. Let me demonstrate:

Me,  via email talking someone's eyes off: So they sent
around an email listing things he wants to do this summer and who else
wants to be down. Listed were things like skydiving, whitewater
rafting, i dunno lion taming... I just scanned through it. The other
guys on the distribution were like "now you just taking this sheeit
too far" and such. Meanwhile, I'm like YES TO ALL. I mean, the way I
figure, you have to try everything at least once. If not for the
thrills, then for the story, eh? Meanwhile Keith was talking about gun
ranges and I told him about my little BS experience and he said that
his girl told him about something out in VA or PA or something that
she went with her husband that had automatics or glocks and... uh, no
thank you. I have no Rambo fantasies, my friend. I just did it to see,
and besides, I just need to learn the basics to prepare for the
upcoming zombie war. Yes, the zombies.

Where the fuck did zombies come from in this conversation? From white water rafting to zombies? I'm always trying to factor in prudent zombie awareness and defense into almost everything I do. No seriously.

Even today while on the train. I'm sitting just waiting for my stop to come and my mind is wandering... so I'm figuring that basically everyone needs to know a practical, applicable trade in case of any sort of unforseen disaster. For instance, yeah, it's all well and good that my typing skills and my knowledge of many applications makes me somewhat job market attractive... but what the hell does that have to do if I need to escape out into the woods and improvise a shelter? Not a damned thing. Yes, Google is my electronic Jesus. Can I google a way to purify water to sate my mother while trying to shoot out the brains of an oncoming zombie? No. No I cannot. I need to learn how to start a fire using a metrocard, toothpicks and a paper coffee cup. These are things I need to...

Oh, Jesus Google. I need help. That effing book got me all emotional twisted and whatever Carl Thomas song there is out there. Yes, even "Dreamer" and "I Wish". It's just that deep.